Arpan’a’

Once upon a time
I used to overeat
to stop thinking.

Now I overthink
to avoid
dissolving and disappearing.

Oh, anything, any trick
suits the greedy mind
bent on overindulging…

Are my nerves
strong enough
to support
turning within
and turning off
all the chattering?

Let there be peace:
let there be silence.

Only then will cease
external and internal violence.

Oh, stop, just stop!
Who cares
what and how and why?

What matters is only:
I am.
Alive.

I go on thinking
’cause I can’t stop.
I can’t stop
’cause I don’t want.

I don’t want to stop
revenging
to the Universe
for not obeying: me.

While it, actually, does -
my reality is unraveling
exactly the way
I’m intending it:

the same old dramatic
and self-damaging way,
as if there are no Universal Laws
I also have to obey…

When we sing Your Name, Lord,
don’t You feel joy?

And don’t You smile
watching our smiles
and kiss a thousand times
our tearful eyes?

How long,
how wide,
how deep is your love?

And does it come
from within, from outside,
from below or from above?

I’ve found a pearl
then lost it
somewhere.

No problem:
other pearls
are out there.

Maybe I am not
attached to You
but to “my way”
of loving You?

And maybe it’s so hard
because You’d like it
to get undone
so a better one can start?!

O.K., my Love,
let it be:
do whatever You deem necessary
as long as You love me!

Help me to hand over
all my worries
into Your hands,
from now till it’s over…

Whatever You do,
don’t take away
this love for You.

Without it
I’m worse off
and a bigger misfit.

I’d rather die
than live
a greater lie.