WHEN AND HOW

This life I am spending
waiting
and missing
– so little “getting”;
so much grieving
over what I’m losing,
have lost,
am about to lose…

So much sadness,
so little acceptance,
and, though I submit,
I never surrender
to the circumstances.

I’m afraid of “having”
because
whatever comes
also goes,
and my wounded heart
breaks and shatters
some more,
… while I cry,
have cried,
will go on crying
forevermore…

I do wonder
why is it,
and does it have to be,
like that…
… And will I figure it out
before I am dead.

When and how
will I be allowed
to know that sorrow
is optional
and suffering: avoidable?
That bliss
is constantly available
and me: willing and able?
That I’m not betraying
everything and everyone
by letting them
leave my life,
and that pain
doesn’t prove
the depth and strength
of my love?

That I’m not losing
anything,
have never lost,
will never lose
anyone,
and there’s nothing to miss
since
all are always here
and all is already found?